When we discuss or have an exchange of views with someone, it is very important to differentiate what they have told us from what we think they have told us in order to avoid major conflicts.
Aristotle said: “Anyone can be angry, that is very simple. But getting mad at the right person, in the right degree, at the right time, for the right purpose and in the right way that certainly isn’t so easy. ” And so it is.
How many times have we argued with our partner or with a coworker and then have repented? Or simply, after talking with another person we have realized that we have become more disturbed than we should…
Whether we like it or not, conflicts are present in all areas where we have to relate to other people. They are practically inevitable, since when living or working with other people it is normal for perspectives to collide. Hence, knowing how to manage them is of great help, to avoid cornification. Let’s see how to do it.
What we explain here are tips for conflict resolution that are not validated by a psychology professional. If you think you need specialized professional help, the best thing you can do is go to a psychologist.
Keys to conflict resolution
Different disciplines have been concerned with the study of techniques to improve conflict resolution and thus care for links with others. The objective is to establish a calm and respectful climate. Here are some keys to this:
1. Define the problem
To start with, what do we discuss? What caused the discussion? In most cases, if we ask ourselves these questions and investigate what happened, we realize that the cause of the problem is usually something unimportant.
This leads to contempt, criticism, defensive and indifferent attitudes that have little or nothing to do with the beginning of the discussion. This dynamic is called the Four Horsemen of the Apocalypse, having disastrous consequences.
Therefore, the problem must be defined briefly and specifically, focusing on the now. And leave the string of underlying problems at that time.
2. Start with something positive and criticize the behavior
Secondly, we must make the other understand that our complaint or criticism is directed towards their behavior and not so much to their way of being. What has bothered us is something specific that he did at a certain moment, and not something that defines him as a person.
That is, do not counterattack your personality. If we do, we could influence your self-esteem in this way.
3. Expression of feelings and emotions
Third, we must at all times make the other understand how we feel. This is very important in an interpersonal relationship.
Doing so inspires trust and communication. And these are two basic pillars in the construction of interpersonal relationships.
4. Paraphrase
Fourth, we can respond to the other by summarizing what he has told us. This is a method to check that we have understood what you wanted to tell us.
In addition, this will help us avoid any kind of inferences about motivations, thoughts, feelings and attitudes. It is also very important to differentiate what we have been told with what we think we have been told.
5. Do not generalize, make messages from the “I”
Fifth, how do we express our opinions? “I think that …”, “I think that …” is an assertive way of expressing ourselves.
However, generalization can lead to error and increased frustration. And none of us possess an absolute truth about things.
6. Generation of alternatives
In this case we refer to the possibilities. Something highly recommended is to generate as many possible solutions as we can think of. Of course, among the people who maintain the conflict?
Once this is done, it is convenient to choose the solution that benefits both parties in some way. In this way we will be able to assess each option well.
7. Mutuality and commitment
Finally, the establishment of a commitment between the parties and their fulfillment will generate greater trust among the members. We refer to this with mutuality and commitment.
Finally, remember that a discussion often leads to stress and nervous situations. In addition, a proper use of emotions is essential in order not to end in disastrous situations. For this, the practice of relaxation and frequent breathing can help us to have greater emotional self-control.
